God In Control

I've been trying to write this post for a few days, but it's been a struggle. Probably because it deals with feelings, not just a recap of our daily lives. But I feel so strongly about sharing real things so that on the off chance that someone might be reading and feeling the same way they can know that they are not alone, so here I go. The other night I sat down and read an entire blog recounting one family's story about the birth of their twins. When I was finished my eyes were red from crying and I had a lot of strange emotions. Unlike my twins, these twins were born incredibly premature and thus had to spend many weeks in the NICU and have had many health battles to overcome. I felt so sorry for this family and all they have gone through. But then I felt bad because usually people don't want other people to feel sorry for them. But my heart ached for all they had been through and the challenges they faced as parents and the challenges the twins faced regarding their health. I cannot begin to understand what it would be like to be in their situation. I cannot begin to understand what it would be like to have my babies in the NICU hooked up to machines and struggling for breath or having so many tests run to find out what might be wrong. These were all the things I had so greatly feared when we first found out we were expecting twins. But the Lord blessed us with two healthy, full term twin babies (that's not to say that anything else is not a blessing). Along with sorrow and aching for this and other families, I felt guilty. I felt guilty for having two strong, healthy, full term babies (3 county Jack). Why weren't my babies born premature while so many other twins are? Why are my twins healthy when so many other twins aren't? Why do so many ride the NICU roller coaster but I've never set foot in a NICU? I also started feeling guilty for thinking that my day to day life is often a struggle. When I consider the road these families travel, my life is a breeze. Sitting right there with my sorrow and my guilt is an extreme thankfulness to the Lord for the blessing of healthy babies and healthy kids. I don't really know how to process these thoughts and emotions. I don't really know what to say to families dealing with the loss of a child or a child with cancer or with twins born too soon. I have no words of comfort, I have no words of understanding. All I know to do is pray to Jesus for those families, that he would be their comfort and their understanding and their refuge and strength and also give thanks to God for the children he has blessed me with.

I hope that came out right.