What Tuscon Taught Me

I've been kinda quiet lately. I guess without Monday pictures to keep me going I sorta let my blogging slide. That and I've just not had a lot to say. I tend to keep quiet on the blogging front when all I can think to write is whiny, complaining, frustrated stuff. But even if you don't want to read it, it does help me process if I write. So we'll see where this goes.

Paul was in Tuscon last week and I think his absence helped me figure a few things out. I'd been getting a little difficult to live with again. It seems I often slip into this pattern of getting frustrated with stupid stuff and then taking it out really bad on Paul. What I found to be interesting is that I didn't get quite as frustrated with him gone. It's not really Paul that makes the difference-it's my mental state, my expectations. I knew I was just going to have to suck it up and get through the week without him. I knew going into it that there would be difficult moments and I would be tired and worn down. I had realistic expectations of the week, I was mentally prepared for it before it happened. Thankfully, I did have friends and family to help me out in various ways which was wonderful. The thing is, when Paul is home I think I have unrealistic expectations. Scratch that, I know I have unrealistic expectations. I think that just because Paul is home I won't have to do much, I can take a break and relax. Truth is while he is a tremendous help with the kids and does a lot around the house...I can't really take a break just because he's home. I don't even know why I think I can. But it frustrates me so bad when he gets home and I still feel like I'm working just as hard to take care of the kids and the house and our marriage. Clearly I have a few issues to settle with myself.

I also tend to keep all my communication with him in my head. I tell him a lot of things mentally but turns out he did not come equipped to be a mind reader. Once again, why do I even think he knows I need help just because I thought "help me!". So when he doesn't do what I "asked" I get frustrated and and if the kids are whining or crying my fuse just gets so short. Oh me. It all sounds quite silly when I write it. I wish I had that perspective in the moments when my frustration is starting to get the best of me. I guess I'll just have to consider this an opportunity for growth.