Internal Analysis

I've sorta been struggling emotionally these days. Some people might say "no duh" with all we have going on but it's bothersome and trying to figure out the problem is not always easy. It's one of those "What's wrong?" questions with a "I don't know." answer. But I've been really trying to figure it out and I think my real answer is quite multifaceted. 1-My relationship with God is not as strong as it ought to be. 2-My life is once again on the cusp of major change with an offer on our house and the search for a new house. And of course an offer isn't the end all, so I'm terribly concerned that something will happen and this whole deal will fall apart. I'm also terribly nervous about buying a new house and making wise decisions about a home we hope to be in for many years to come. I'm also nervous about the idea of moving out of my parents. As much as it will be nice to get settled again, I will really miss seeing them every day. And I will really miss the help they've given us with the kids. Just how much they help has been quite obvious the last week and a half. So it seems I have a lot of stress tied up in my living situation. 3-I'm trying to meet new people. This is the goofy one. I get terribly stressed out when I'm first getting to know someone new. My main concern is what might they think of me. Will they see all my faults and think I'm a nut job and stay away? It's so hard to be vulnerable when I'm so concerned with being rejected. Now it sounds like I'm trying to start dating someone. No worries there, Paul's the only man for me! I know I had some of these same fears when I was making new friends in Palatine and that all turned out fine. I made some very dear and wonderful friends (whom I miss greatly!). And what happened then (same as what I'm doing now) is assuming the other person has things totally figured out, assuming that they are put together rarely taking a misstep while I myself feel like a walking disaster. What I think I've learned is that to some degree we all think we are walking disasters while most everyone else thinks we have everything together! Whew. 4-My kids are stressing me out. The babies seem unusually fussy and unhappy. Nursing is causing some severe pain right now and Jack is having what seems like a daily meltdown which I haven't been handling the best. That was probably not something you wanted to read, but it was a bit therapeutic for me to write it down. Perhaps I shouldn't publish this post, but I probably will.

Ugly Overflow

Something I heard in church on Sunday has really stuck in my head this week. And after a somewhat challenging day and several challenging evenings I think I need to take heed. Pastor said something along the lines of if there is something you are struggling with don't put all your focus and attention on fixing that problem, rather put your focus on God and strengthening your relationship with him. I have no idea if that's what was actually said or meant, but that's what I heard. So instead of trying really hard not to yell at my kids any more, or instead of trying really hard to be more patient, if I instead work on my relationship with my Lord in turn I won't struggle so much with those things. Something like out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. It seems like what I need is some quality time in the Word if I have any hope of becoming a better mom.

Monday Pictures-Week 25

Not too much new to share. I managed to get a picture of Logan sitting but not because he really sits very much. They both still need practice in the department. And this week I captured Schaeffer doing what he's been doing best lately, getting into things he shouldn't be. This whole being able to move thing is going to get him in trouble. He loves the trains, my camera and especially my computer. It's really funny when he sees something he wants. His whole expression gives him away. And once he's spotted something he doesn't waste much time getting to it. Even if I take it away he'll chase after it again wherever I put it.

Potty Training

Potty training...ugh. I am not a fan. So many messes, such slow progress, so many questions and variables. With every accident my frustration grows as do my questions about my competency as a parent. Should the two be related...probably not. But last night after our first day of potty training with no success and no sign of being close to success I was convinced that motherhood was not for me. Perhaps it's a bit too late to be making such decisions! Obviously my ability to be rational has been compromised somewhere along the way (Paul could have told you that years ago). But this post is not all about my frustrations and mental state. Because today was a new day.
We started off today similar to yesterday. Sitting on the potty to know avail, wearing undies and peeing all over. After the third accident (two of them while I was in the middle of nursing!) we took of the wet undies and didn't put any back on. Finally, he didn't insist that he needed undies and allowed himself to run around half naked. After a while as I was getting ready to change Logan's stinky diaper I noticed he was just starting to pee. I plopped Logan down and grabbed Jack while I told him he was peeing and needed to sit on the potty. I grabbed him and sat him down which prompted a major fit. His butt cheeks barely hit the seat when he was already up again tearing down the hall with his dump truck leaving a trickle of a pee trail through the kitchen. I followed that and found him in the bathroom with a big puddle at his feet. As soon as I got there he left again and went back to his little potty in the living room where he promptly sat down peed some more! I nearly missed it because I figured he has just had an accident and had gone to finish with Logan's poopy diaper. But sure enough he finally peed in the potty at least a little! Perhaps this is a sign of things to come, though I'm sure there will be many, many more accidents.

Monday Pictures-Week 24

Oh these boys. They just keep getting older and changing all the time. I swear the last week was more like a few months with all  that went on. We took a day trip to St. Louis, made our first (past due) visit to the Bomer household, celebrated Kyle's birthday (and Kevin's), rang in the New Year, and enjoyed a lot of time with Daddy and Grandma and Papa. Along with all the activity of the week the boys also kept us on our toes. Their schedule is changing and I've been trying desperately to figure things out like why nursing is suddenly so difficult and how many times a day should they really be eating. Transition times are not fun and I'm quite sure we are in the midst of a transition to a 3.5-4 hour schedule as compared to the 3 hour schedule we'd grown quite accustomed to. Thankfully this week Logan has been sleeping better and I'm happy to say I haven't slept on the couch with him in more than a week. He occasionally needs a hand on his back in the middle of the night and a pacifier to help him fall back asleep, but he's making progress. In fact that pacifier thing is kinda new. Neither boys was using one but all of a sudden Logan seems to like his. Also new is that Schaeffer is scooting or army crawling. He can get pretty much anywhere or anything he wants. There are times he seems so close to officially crawling. Schaeffer also growls. I don't think this was new as of this week, but it's still pretty new. Perhaps it's because Jack growls at him so often. Both boys have also started actually jumping in the jump-a-roo. Sometimes Logan really gets going and it scares him. Logan hasn't really shown signs of mobility like Schaeffer. But I figure it won't be long before he realizes his brother can move and he can't. Schaeffer has also started being able to sit for seconds at a time. Perhaps some of their new toys will encourage them to sit more. We shall see.

 Schaeffer sitting and after enjoying a bowl of applesauce and oatmeal. Below: Logan after his applesauce and oatmeal.

Logan sucking on Schaeffer's toes. Makes me laugh.

Who Knew

The boys received a Caterpillar train set from their Papa for Christmas. Jack has been asking to open it up and finally Paul did yesterday afternoon while Jack was napping. He got it all set up for him and figured it would provide some good entertainment for a while in the evening. What we did not expect was almost three solid hours of  "playing" with the train. Mainly he just sat or laid in the middle and watched it go around and around and around. He liked turning it on an off, though Paul had to do the off because Jack didn't like doing the switch while the train was moving. He also didn't like it when the train went in reverse, so he had to quickly learn which way to flip the switch for forward. Sometimes he would take a tractor off and play with it, but mainly he just watched it go around. I calculated and the train probably made close to a thousand circles last night. And Jack watched almost every one of them. Who knew? And of course this morning the first thing he did was run down stairs and turn the train on. He's been up for nearly 3 hours and the train is still running and we are still sitting here watching it.

Year in Review

I don't always do the whole year in review, looking back, see how far I've come thing. But I feel as though this year warrants such a walk down memory lane. Last year on this day I was in Nashville with my entire family eating dinner at Aquarium Restaurant, having a lovely evening but perhaps wishing we were on our missed cruise enjoying New Years Eve. This year I am sitting in my parents living room eating brownie batter and watching television, fully intending on going to bed before midnight. Last year at Christmas we gave my parents a card telling them that we were pregnant with twins and jokingly saying they would have to move to Palatine to help us out or we would have to move in with them. Funny how life works out sometimes. One of the major changes in our lives this year, and there were a few, was moving in with my parents. But let's start with the beginning of last year. Our major project going into the year was to go through our house and clear out and reorganize all in an effort to make room for two more babies. We worked really hard and had this pretty much accomplished by springtime. I spent the months before the twins birth feeling huge and exhausted and relying on my friends to help me out a lot. I also spent a lot of time at the Y sleeping in the women's locker room. I actually was in a spin class for a while and walked on a treadmill until it was just too tiring. After that I just used my two hours of free childcare to let Jack have some good play time and me get a good nap. Then July came and one of our biggest life changes happened. We gave birth to twin boys. Right at that time we were also in the process of getting our house ready to go on the market. Paul had interviewed at Caterpillar and received an offer earlier in the summer. So the week my mom spent with us after the babies were born she helped us pack up lots of boxes for storage and helped us take care of three children. It was a crazy time and I'm so thankful for all the help, love and support we received from our family and our friends. In August we moved in with my parents for what we were hoping would be only a couple months while we waited for our house to sell. A couple months has turned into more than we had hoped for as the market is not so conducive to selling a home right now. Thankfully, my parents have been more than gracious and generous to us and life back in their house is going smoothly. I know it will be hard when it comes time to move out again. As much as we love being around my parents and love the extra help, we would also love to be in our own space again and really settle in to life in Morton. Also this year we welcomed our third nephew, George, who's only 2 months younger than the twins and already bigger. The coming years promise lots of exciting times and adventure for our boys and their cousins (including another one due this spring). So that was our year. I'm hoping 2011 isn't so crazy and has fewer major life changes. However crazy 2010 was, I am thankful that our God was with us. He calmed our fears and anxiety about being pregnant with twins. He allowed a long, healthy pregnancy and a smooth delivery. He watched over Paul in all his travels and provided friends for Jack during those months when his mommy couldn't be everything he needed. He aligned all of the many details for Paul to accept a new job at Caterpillar. He's provided us with everything we've needed through the incredible generosity of our family and friends. And we continue to trust that now, during this time of waiting, he is arranging all the details for our next step.